Only God Knows

The texts, emails, pictures, phone calls - they still aren't enough. Sometimes telling people over and over again the same words does not suffice; the words can't capture what they are trying to communicate. "I love you" said a thousand times doesn't accomplish its purpose. "I will miss you" certainly hasn't for me this week. Perhaps that's why we have music.

Tonight is a somber evening. There are so many CEF missionaries across Indiana teaching 5-Day Clubs this week; I pray for them. But I am not one of them, not right now. My job involves not teaching children but giving them pizza and game cards. So the meditations and prayers and musings on six years with best friends begin, and more words, this time through music (insufficient also), evokes more and more:

I sit and hear the guitars play
Wonder if they could, what would stars say or Venus and Mars say
Or say that we want it our way
Stars so desperate to shine that they go on living the hard way
The intellect to travel to Mars but so blind
We worship Venus but she don't even know who we are
And she never cared why, cause she wasn't there
When I was trying to drown my sorrows in a pool of despair
I ain't perfect, sometimes I feel worthless
Worth less than that is the image that I'da purchased
Man, from the shades to the shirt to the shoes
Just another fool tryin' to cover he's confused - that ain't cool
Sometimes I hate the man in the mirror
Cause I know he's a liar and a cheater and a killer
People say they love him but they love what he can give 'em
But deep inside he knows that there's a reason for him living

I can't even find the words for the way I feel
So I paint a picture, I paint a picture
I've been goin' down this road, seen some crazy things
So I paint a picture, you gotta see it
You just gotta know
You just gotta know
You just gotta know
You just gotta know

You know I need You like aqua
Day without You got me so nauseous
If I ain't cautious, I'm gonna self-inflict my sickness
You know it's true, You as my witness
At how You witness my inconsistence
Yes, the ovation when I need Your assistance
And I just gotta know that even though I'm a misfit
I'm still worth more than calamity's French kiss
Yes I'm loved, and I'm pursued
And though I can't feel it, still I know that it's true
Somebody woke me up, and yeah, I know it was You
And yet I keep tryin' to steer clear of Your view
Cause if you get me, I know that You got me
But I'm so insecure I can't believe that You want me
But then I heard You went on Your way to adopt me
Well You can have my all if you swear You won't drop me
Cause I gotta know1




Sometimes the doubts are there without notice: Am I really loved? Am I pursued? Does God still want me after my last life, last year, last month... last week? Today? Will He put up with one more stupid sin? Will any of this go away? Will I forget everything I had? Am I going to fall into despair? Will I forget the place I've come from? Will I lose sight of where I'm going? Will I keep seeking the lasting city? Is it always going to be this hard?

Will He go with me to Arizona?

And yet throughout the day I have this song - sung by 60 voices a couple Sundays ago - running through my head:

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side2


And this one:

Whatever will come our way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No, we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
We won't be shaken3


Flood of truth. God is for me (Rom. 8:31). He is with me (Heb. 13:5-6). God is in me (Gal. 2:19-20). God is over me (Eph. 4:6). He is around me (Ps. 139:7-12). Everywhere I can be, God is. Every step I take, He is one step ahead. Every state I move toward, He is one further. No matter how deep I dive, He is deeper. When I rise, He is already higher. And God, the God who is my dwelling place and fortress and my defense (Ps. 62), will ride the heavens to my help and put His everlasting arms underneath me (Deut. 33:26-27).

1. "Gotta Know," Lecrae
2. "Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)," Chris Tomlin
3. "We Won't Be Shaken," Building 429