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Thursday, February 6, 2014

Ten Things I Learned About Pizza

After working in the pizza world for a year, I decided to make some general observations that are extremely important to the preservation of mankind:

1. There is no such thing as an "Artesian" pizza (unless it's French pizza or pizza that comes from the Artesian Well). It's Artisan ("ar-ti-sin").
2. Pizzas are not made with tomato sauce. Never! It's pizza sauce.
3. The crust is not the fluffy outer portion of the pizza - that's the rim. The crust is the whole piece of dough under the toppings.
4. It's all about metabolism. In the year that I worked in pizza places, I ate approximately 65 whole pizzas. I'm six feet tall and weigh less than 150 lbs.
5. Always tip delivery drivers. If you don't want to tip, don't get delivery. They will hate you. FOREVER!!
6. If you want it on time on a weekend, place a timed order. Pizza people aren't superheroes.
7. When calling Domino's, don't ask for a "meat-lovers" or "stuffed crust." When you choose Pizza Hut or Papa John's, avoid "lava cakes," "parm bites," "cinnastix," and "stuffed cheesy bread."
8. Don't even think about using counterfeit money. We see it. Oh, we see it.
9. Please let the workers just make and deliver your pizza. If you have questions, Google them.
10. Avoid general stupidities and rudenesses people are prone to. Order, pay, tip, and eat. Thank you very much.

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